first love,
there were people between our last fuck.
let me start there & say that:
when you unwed me from your world,
i was a hellkite. i got naked
on camera. later, in a parking lot.
i thought i could reason with life
by seizing it with both hands,
that brute in me 
you always tried to bait out.
first love, i forgive you. myself.
i knew my body
as currency. let it wire me
from room to next. 
whatever space you were not, 
i went & denuded.
i could rub the dullest penny to a shine,
except for myself, 
laid stolid, hair-faced, 
while men sought work of me.
they wished i laughed.
they wished i did or did not 
show my teeth.
i took off my stockings or didn't—
men hauled me up like a fish all the same. 
i was rended. the guts 
were opaline, gleamed like oil. 
you were not mine, & so nothing was. 
first love, companionship came
& went & $100 was hardly two sacks of groceries.
i lost my wings. i thought of you
& became mercurial.
i was blood-eager.
i know she called you sunshine
& i couldn't live with that.
i drew myself a future
& destroyed it. 
i was annihilated
by my knowing.
i know 
she called you sunshine.
i couldn’t live
a life worth living.
i stamped plum-purple
into the break of my elbow.
i got naked 
& shook 
when looked at. 
i ate poorly, 
if any. 
first love, i slept
with a dagger 
just out of reach. 
i forgot
we once
wanted kids.
i forgot
you thought 
you'd make a father
of me.
first love,
i forgot 
you kept living,
you kept living.

🎣🪙