There are four stages to anaphylaxis. 

💉💉💉

Stage One: Your Symptoms are Mild

Matthew knows what he’s looking at: he had been trained in basic first aide since he was in elementary school, where they had peanut-free tables at lunch and special training on what would happen if Geoff Dutch stopped breathing. What’s strange, though, is where he is: Matthew is not, by any stretch of the imagination, in Ms. Fritz’s elementary school classroom. 

Matthew is in the basement ‘dungeon’ area of a fetish bar in the city. 

To his left and right are sweaty, hairy, beautiful men, gyrating to house music and feeling each other up. It smells like leather and amyl nitrate and sweat and vodka — it smells like heaven, if heaven were run by Tom of Finland. 

What he’s looking at is a man with his shirt off who has an EpiPen hanging out of the right back pocket of his tight jeans, the blue cap pointing up — or is it orange? The lights make it hard to tell, and it doesn’t really matter, anyway. 

Matthew taps the man on the shoulder and leans towards his pierced ear. “You’re gonna lose your EpiPen, man.” 

The man turns around, and in the dim lighting, his eyes are bright. “Yeah?” the man shouts over the music. 

“Your pocket, don’t wanna lose it out here!” Half of that, at best, is lost to the beat, of course; Matthew knows communication down here is mediated less by words and more by movements. He reaches around the man and pushes the EpiPen deeper into the tight pocket. Nice and safe, he thinks. Wonder if he’s into me. 

The man gently puts his hand on Matthew’s wrist. “Shrimp?” 

Matthew pulls back, but smiles. The man doesn’t let go, but it’s not anything aggressive. It’s playful, in a way. Par for the course down here in the dungeon. “Not into it myself, but if you want a go on me, you’re welcome!” 

The man smiles and winks, and takes Matthew’s hand, placing it on his waist. Together they gyrate over to one of the bathrooms on that floor. It’s a little better lit, and a little quieter. Matthew gets a good look at his catch: the man has big blue eyes, a complexion that seems ruddy even under the red lights of the bathroom, and a dusting of chest hair. He has a short haircut which demands the fingers of a beautiful boy being run through it. He has beautiful hands, which guide Matthew to a toilet stall and close the door behind them. 

Matthew, of course, is smitten. 

“Ha, isn’t this a little tight? And my feet stink…” The man positions Matthew standing with his back to the door and with him sitting on the toilet. 

Matthew has done a lot of things in bars before, but this is… a lot. He assumes that the man is going to lick his toes — colloquially known as ‘shrimping,’ of course — and jerk himself off. Which is fine; Matthew likes to watch, and if the man cums on Matthew’s sneakers, all the better. It’s not like it’ll be worse than that time he went home with someone and got a surprisingly resistant strain of gonorrhea in his throat, or that other time where he went home with a man who had many, many cats. 

The man looks up at Matthew and pulls a plastic baggie out of his other pocket. Oh shit, Matthew thinks, and out loud says, “I’m in no shape to do blow tonight, man, thanks though.” He goes to push the stall door, and hesitates. 

“It’s not blow,” says the man in a deep voice with a chuckle. “It’s shrimp.” 

Matthew gets a closer look: the baggie does, indeed, contain three pink, cooked shrimp, each the size of a pinky finger. 

Matthew, of course, is very confused. 

“Uhh…?” He fumbles the door open and goes to wash his hands at the grungy sink. It’s automatic for him, washing his hands, and the man tucks himself away and tries to explain himself.

“I thought you were into this, sorry man.” He looks chastened, but not repentant — the face of a man who’s misunderstood, not apologetic. 

“Into what?” Matthew watches the man in the mirror, the music pulsing just outside the door. In the next stall over, someone is clearly and audibly getting fucked. 

“EpiPlay, where you… Nah. Never mind, man, sorry. Have a good night.” The man tucks a strand of hair behind his ear and heads out. 

Matthew dries his hands and resolves to remember to Google “EpiPlay”. 

He sees the man a few more times that night, but they don’t make eye contact. 

Matthew forgets to search the term for a few weeks after, until he sees someone ask about a peanut allergy in a restaurant. He pulls out his phone while his date is in the bathroom, and pokes around for a moment. 

Then, Matthew is very, very confused.

💉💉💉

Stage Two: Your Symptoms are Now Worse

Journal entries from [Redacted], who was a sixteen-year-old girl. 

09 March 2024

I had to use my EpiPen today. Harishnavi brought in cookies he made for Jonah’s birthday in third period, but I didn’t eat mine until lunch. She’s such a fucking suck-up. I wish I thought of making cookies for him, but I was out late last night prepping for the student art show. Her skin is so fucking perfect. I bet she doesn’t have to wash her face three times a day. That fucking bitch. I have two pieces in the art show, and I’m really excited to show off what I made. Like, I know that only seniors get scholarships for what they do, but I hope I get some attention. Maybe Jonah will be at the show… 

Jonah is so hot. His hair is perfect, and I can’t sit next to him without smelling his cologne. I think Mr. Lanser puts us near each other just to see me blush. Like, I know it’s just deodorant and his shampoo, but there’s something so hot about how he just… is. He, of course, has no idea who I am. He makes me want to do terrible stuff, you know? Like, I don’t know, I saw him playing volleyball with the guys at lunch and saw his shirt lift up, and the little trail of hair on his belly — well, fuck. I don’t know. Should I even write this?

Who’s going to fucking see it? It’s not like my hormones are brand-new (but my “fuck”s definitely are — Future [Redacted], I’m so sorry that I’m so vulgar, but… fuck!), but it sure feels like I’m the first person to feel this way. Jonah just… makes my pussy ache in a way that I’m sure Nice Girls aren’t meant to feel. I’m a Nice Girl™, at least according to Mom and Mr. Lanser. 

Jonah makes me want to not be a Nice Girl™. I want to be Jonah’s slut. Haha. 

Oh wow, writing that, and seeing that on paper, is so… weird. …I like it though. 

Anyway. Yeah. The EpiPen. Harishnavi, I guess, used peanut oil or something? Or there was like… peanut butter in the cookie recipe? I don’t know. Fucking bitch. I want to push her into oncoming traffic and make her eat her perfect hair. Beccy helped me with the EpiPen, which is a shame — I was eating the cookie in the third-floor girls room so that I could uhh… imagine Jonah… in private. 

Like I said, I’m a Nice Girl™ who definitely doesn’t masturbate, no ma’am. 

But like… imagining his face between my legs got me so hot. Knowing that he was eating the cookie that Harishnavi baked made me want him to… eat something… I had made? With my pussy? I don’t even know. At least I’m not rubbing myself off like Ray in his gray sweatpants that definitely don’t hide his cum stains. 

Oh teenage life. 

O tempora, o mores, as Cicero would say. Magistra would be proud. I bet Magistra flicks her bean to Jonah, too. Maybe Mr. Lanser puts us together because he can’t imagine Jonah (or any of the soccer or lacrosse boys) bending him over and working out their teenage horniness on him… The entire lacrosse team could bend me over Mr. Lanser’s desk if they wanted to… Unf. 

Anyway. Throat closed up. Thank goodness Beccy was coming in, probably to throw up, but still, she helped me get my EpiPen out of my bag and gave it to me before my throat closed up. She didn’t even comment on my wet panties lol.

Want to know the most fucked up part? Well, of course you do, you’re my diary, and no one’s going to see this. 

The jab of the EpiPen needle in my thigh was so fucking hot. My throat was closing up and I was kind of panicking, but I had two fingers between my legs still and I was thinking about Jonah as Harishavi’s fucking poison cookie almost killed me. It’s so fucked up, but I imagined it was Jonah biting my thigh and shoving his cock inside me as I pulled the EpiPen. I wanted it to be him fucking me and pumping deep inside me. Like, as the drugs worked, I… I think I came, right before my throat opened back up again. 

Beccy better not say anything. She helped me pull my pants up and took me to the nurse, but she better stay fucking quiet, and this better not mess up the art show… 

💉💉💉

10 March

I can’t stop thinking about the EpiPen. 

I can’t stop thinking about Jonah. 

I can’t stop thinking about the needle in my thigh, pumping epinephrine into my bloodstream. 

What if I rubbed the EpiPen against myself…? Even the empty one… 

I don’t have to imagine. I dug out the spent EpiPen from my backpack, where for some reason I kept it. Harishnavi was beside herself today. She didn’t know I had a peanut allergy. Sure. That bitch knows everything, and wanted to make me look like an idiot. Joke’s on her, though: Jonah asked me how I was doing today. He’s so gorgeous. His big eyes looking at me and asking how I was, since he missed me in Magistra Slate’s class. I had to stop myself from —

God, it’s so gross. I don’t even want to put it in words. But fuck, where else am I going to say it? 

I had to stop myself from begging him to shove a peanut down my throat and then to shove his cock in after it so he could feel my throat swell shut. I want to sob and choke for air as he uses my throat that’s tighter than my virgin pussy. I want Jonah to unload inside me and my last look before going black to be looking up at him with his cock in my throat. I want my last breath to be around his cock. I want him to shove that EpiPen down my pants and stick the needle through my clit. I want him to unload and be fully satisfied, make me his Nice Girl™ cum slut — 

I want him to hold me as the epinephrine floods my veins through my clit. 

I want him to pull his cock out of my throat and slide inside me, with my clit throbbing and my pussy wet for him. 

I want him to call me his Nice Girl™. 

I want —

Oh my god it’s so late, and I’m so wet. No more about what I want. I need to go to bed. 

Oof. 

💉💉💉

13 March

I want Jonah to murder me. I want Jonah to make me stop breathing with his fat dick inside me. I want to be the best fuck of his life. 

In other news, I’m back from the hospital. 

You really shouldn’t masturbate with an EpiPen, apparently. They’re investigating it as self-harm, but fuck, that last orgasm was amazing. Jonah doesn’t know what he’s missing.

💉💉💉

Stage Three: You May Have Trouble Breathing

Excerpts of a recovered instant message (“IM”) conversation between [Redacted] and [Redacted], as presented in Michigan Court Document [Redacted], where the Defendant has been identified as the alias “DaddyPrawnn” and the prosecution has identified “ShawnOfTheDe4d” as [Redacted].

Friday 09 June 2023

DaddyPrawnn: hey
DaddyPrawnn: I saw your responses on r/xxxtreme
DaddyPrawnn: pretty hot, I gotta say 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol yeahhh
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i have a lot of sick fantasy’s i guess lol

DaddyPrawnn: nah, not that sick haha

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yeah i guess its not that extreme all considered 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: not like i want to do some of the stuff some guys talk about 

DaddyPrawnn: some people are really into the fantasy
DaddyPrawnn: it’s hard for some people to differentiate b/w real life and imagination 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yeah? 

DaddyPrawnn: yeah. I know one guy who was so into the idea of ants that he… well haha

ShawnOfTheDe4d: no go on

DaddyPrawnn: you sure? haha

ShawnOfTheDe4d: please

DaddyPrawnn: haha if you say so
DaddyPrawnn: he was so into ants 
DaddyPrawnn: and the idea of them on him that he somehow got a few carpenter ants
DaddyPrawnn: picked them up off of his porch I guess 
DaddyPrawnn: and he shoved them down his urethra
DaddyPrawnn: and then found out he was allergic
DaddyPrawnn: it was either their bites or something on their bodies
DaddyPrawnn: but his cock swelled up and he was pissing blood for a few days, I think
DaddyPrawnn: there were pictures of it going around r/formicophilia for a while
DaddyPrawnn: I can’t find them anywhere anymore 
DaddyPrawnn: haha
DaddyPrawnn: he’s kind of a legend

ShawnOfTheDe4d: wow

DaddyPrawnn: I know, right? 
DaddyPrawnn: right?
DaddyPrawnn: …
DaddyPrawnn: sorry if I scared you off

ShawnOfTheDe4d: no sorry was looking something up
ShawnOfTheDe4d: thats so hot 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol

DaddyPrawnn: I’m glad u think so too! was worried for a sec

ShawnOfTheDe4d: sorry lol
ShawnOfTheDe4d: definitely hot
ShawnOfTheDe4d: do you get into any of that kind of stuff? 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i see u posting under lot’s of text
ShawnOfTheDe4d: but not a lot of photo’s of u

DaddyPrawnn: yeah, I keep myself to myself sometimes
DaddyPrawnn: but lately I’ve been really into uh
DaddyPrawnn: have you heard of epiplay? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol yeah
ShawnOfTheDe4d: the post you found me on mentioned it
ShawnOfTheDe4d: but yeah… its something i find cool

DaddyPrawnn: very cool! I love that kind of stuff
DaddyPrawnn: its extreme, but it definitely gets me going

ShawnOfTheDe4d: me too

DaddyPrawnn: it makes me wish I was allergic to things

ShawnOfTheDe4d: ur not? 

DaddyPrawnn: nope

ShawnOfTheDe4d: ur screen name…? 

DaddyPrawnn: I’m a daddy who loves prawns! 
DaddyPrawnn: and also pornography haha

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: how old r u, daddy?

DaddyPrawnn: 47 you? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: ur old enough to be my actual dad lol
ShawnOfTheDe4d: 19

DaddyPrawnn: I hope that’s not a problem?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: nah its hot 

DaddyPrawnn: good boy haha

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol thanks daddy

DaddyPrawnn: tell me your weirdest fantasy, son

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol you really want that daddy? 

DaddyPrawnn: oh yeah 
DaddyPrawnn: I’m so horny right now
DaddyPrawnn: I want to know what turns you on

ShawnOfTheDe4d: i love being told what to do, daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: ive alway’s loved the idea of being used by a man for his pleasure
ShawnOfTheDe4d: to be at his mercy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: being his hole for whatever he wants

DaddyPrawnn: mmmm that sounds like my kind of boy

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yes daddy

DaddyPrawnn: how far would you go for daddy, son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: id do anything for my daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: you see what i like online
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i would let a daddy do whatever he wanted to me
ShawnOfTheDe4d: no matter what
ShawnOfTheDe4d: needle’s public piss 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck id even let you whore me out lol

DaddyPrawnn: mmmmmm good boy
DaddyPrawnn: you’re gonna choke on my fat daddy cock, son
DaddyPrawnn: what would you do to make daddy proud?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: anything, daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: my cock is leaking so much lol
ShawnOfTheDe4d: you know just what this boy need’s

DaddyPrawnn: damn right I do, son
DaddyPrawnn: you said needles… 
DaddyPrawnn: would you do anything for your daddy, son?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: anything daddy

DaddyPrawnn: are you allergic to anything, son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: im allergic to shellfish and cats lol

DaddyPrawnn: mmm
DaddyPrawnn: we need to talk more
DaddyPrawnn: I have to get to bed

ShawnOfTheDe4d: aww dont go daddy

DaddyPrawnn: but I want to talk to you more tomorrow, son

ShawnOfTheDe4d: okay daddy

DaddyPrawnn: and son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yes daddy

DaddyPrawnn: tomorrow I want you to have two thawed out frozen shrimp on hand when you talk to me
DaddyPrawnn: and an epipen haha
DaddyPrawnn: we’re gonna have some fun
DaddyPrawnn: understood, boy? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yes daddy 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i cant wait

DaddyPrawnn: me neither 
DaddyPrawnn: goodnight, son

ShawnOfTheDe4d: goodnight daddy

💉💉💉

Saturday 10 June 2023

ShawnOfTheDe4d: daddy! 

DaddyPrawnn: good boy! I missed you

ShawnOfTheDe4d: i missed u too daddy

DaddyPrawnn: how was your day?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: boring daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i worked
ShawnOfTheDe4d: and made sure to grab some shrimp on the way home
ShawnOfTheDe4d: had to lie to the supermarket woman
ShawnOfTheDe4d: said they were for my cat lol

DaddyPrawnn: good boy! 
DaddyPrawnn: I’m impressed that you actually did it

ShawnOfTheDe4d: i said i would do anything daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: u dont believe ur boy? 

DaddyPrawnn: I’ve met a lot of boys who talk a big game
DaddyPrawnn: you’re the first to actually follow through

ShawnOfTheDe4d: lol thats a shame daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: u make me want to obey
ShawnOfTheDe4d: im all alone in the house
ShawnOfTheDe4d: my parents r out for the weekend
ShawnOfTheDe4d: tell me what to do for you daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: im ur fucking slut

DaddyPrawnn: good boy
DaddyPrawnn: are you naked right now? 
DaddyPrawnn: tell me about your body 
DaddyPrawnn: tell me about your house

ShawnOfTheDe4d: its tight daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: im a swimmer
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i swam in hs and i want to join the team at [redacted]
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i applied there and im going in the fall

DaddyPrawnn: fuck, I love swimmers, son
DaddyPrawnn: I always wanted to rub one down
DaddyPrawnn: feel his cock get hard in my hand
DaddyPrawnn: then bend him over and rape his hole until he’s crying

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: rape me daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i need your daddy cock deep inside me daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: please

DaddyPrawnn: fuck, son
DaddyPrawnn: I want to get you pregnant 
DaddyPrawnn: I want to open you up and make you take my cock
DaddyPrawnn: I want to make you cry

ShawnOfTheDe4d: shove your cock in my mouth daddy

DaddyPrawnn: after I pull out of your ass, son?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck i dont care daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i need ur cum inside me

DaddyPrawnn: you’re my good boy
DaddyPrawnn: you’re such a good boy

ShawnOfTheDe4d: im ur little boy daddy 
ShawnOfTheDe4d: anything for u 

DaddyPrawnn: anything? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: anything! 

DaddyPrawnn: where are those shrimp, son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: in the fridge
ShawnOfTheDe4d: hold on

DaddyPrawnn: I’m waiting, son
DaddyPrawnn: still there? 
DaddyPrawnn: son?

ShawnOfTheDe4d: im here daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i have the shrimp
ShawnOfTheDe4d: their in a bag

DaddyPrawnn: good boy
DaddyPrawnn: do you have an epipen too? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: yes daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: right here lol

DaddyPrawnn: good boy
DaddyPrawnn: take the cap off the orange side

ShawnOfTheDe4d: r u sure daddy? 

DaddyPrawnn: absolutly, son

ShawnOfTheDe4d: ok daddy the cap is off
ShawnOfTheDe4d: now what

DaddyPrawnn: put it under your cock head

ShawnOfTheDe4d: daddy? 

DaddyPrawnn: prop it just so the needle would pierce your cock if you need it to, son
DaddyPrawnn: I want to know that if your fat cock gets too heavy it’ll trigger the needle

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: daddy thats so fucking hot
ShawnOfTheDe4d: my dick is so hard for you daddy

DaddyPrawnn: fuck right it is, son
DaddyPrawnn: do you trust me, son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: i trust u daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: i really do daddy

DaddyPrawnn: good boy
DaddyPrawnn: are you ready to go hard? 
DaddyPrawnn: I want you to cum for me when I give you these directions, son

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: im ready daddy

DaddyPrawnn: I want you to take the shrimp and rub it on your nipples, son
DaddyPrawnn: I want you to jerk your cock and know that I’m getting hard thinking about your throat closing up
DaddyPrawnn: I want you to gasp for air, and not use your epipen until you’ve cum
DaddyPrawnn: understand, son? 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck daddy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuck

DaddyPrawnn: good boy
DaddyPrawnn: tell me about it 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: thats so intense

DaddyPrawnn: I’m jerking off too, son
DaddyPrawnn: keep going

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fuc, im doing it

DaddyPrawnn: good boy

ShawnOfTheDe4d: ah fuck sdadddy my cock is so founinkg hard

DaddyPrawnn: fuck yes, son! 

ShawnOfTheDe4d: fucl i canf breth daddf;djy

DaddyPrawnn: cum for me, boy

ShawnOfTheDe4d: so fuckming close fadffiy
ShawnOfTheDe4d: fjdck
ShawnOfTheDe4d: dfj

DaddyPrawnn: ughhhhhhh you should see the load I shot!!

ShawnOfTheDe4d: daddyyyy

DaddyPrawnn: take the epipen, son!

ShawnOfTheDe4d: dadfjduy

DaddyPrawnn: take the epipen! 
DaddyPrawnn: I don’t care if you came! 
DaddyPrawnn: fuck fuck fuck
DaddyPrawnn: are you there? 
DaddyPrawnn: son? 
DaddyPrawnn: boy? 
DaddyPrawnn: hello? 
DaddyPrawnn: Shawn?
DaddyPrawnn: oh fuck
DaddyPrawnn: fuck

💉💉💉

Stage Four: Your Symptoms are Now Life-Threatening

Excerpt from Police Report file number [Redacted] for Criminal Culpability Case Number [Redacted].

On Thursday 25 June 2022 at approximately 1500 hours I, Sergeant [Redacted] and Officer [Redacted], responded to an anonymous wellness check call at [Redacted] Hyacinth Avenue to check in on Mr. and Mrs. [Smith]. The caller claimed to have not seen either member of the couple since the previous weekend. 

Upon arrival, there was a vehicle in the driveway, but no lights were on in the home. Neighbors report not seeing activity over the course of the weekend. Knocks on the front door were unanswered, and the front door was locked. A door to the kitchen was unlocked, and Officer [Redacted] and I entered the home. A smell of rot was immediately noticeable, and Officer [Redacted] put in a call for the local EMTs and coroner’s office. In the mean time, Officer [Redacted] and I began to look for Mr. and Mrs. [Smith]’s remains. 

Mr. and Mrs. [Smith]’s nude remains were discovered in the master bedroom. Both were in states of decomposition, and it could be seen that there were signs of struggle, including an unmade bed and materials being haphazardly distributed around the room. 

However, jewelry and other valuables were not disturbed, neither in the bedroom nor in the home, ruling out a possible robbery. 

Near Mr. and Mrs. [Smith]’s remains, from what could be determined, there was a rotting shrimp cocktail, purchased from the local supermarket [Redacted]. The coroner will determine whether the shrimp were poisoned, or whether another cause of death was present. 

Additionally, Officer [Redacted] counted at least four generic rapid epinephrine auto-injectors near the bodies; it cannot be determined yet whether they played a role in the deaths of Mr. and Mrs. [Smith].

💉💉💉

Excerpt from Coroner Report file number [Redacted] for Criminal Culpability Case Number [Redacted].

Upon autopsy, Mrs. [Smith] had five previously steamed shrimp inserted into her vaginal canal and two placed inside her anal cavity. These are most likely from the shrimp cocktail ring that was found at the location of death. Though states of decomposition prevent definitive answers, it appears that each were not violently placed within her orifices, and were done so with deliberation and intention, based on lack of signs of force in the remains of the surrounding tissue.

Additionally, there is shrimp residue in Mrs. [Smith]’s mouth, but none in her stomach, suggesting that no shrimp had been ingested. Medical history establishes that Mrs. [Smith] had well-known, pre-existing, and life-threatening allergies to shellfish and bee stings. 

It is this professional’s opinion that Mrs. [Smith] died due to prolonged, intentional contact with a known allergen which led to severe anaphylactic shock. 

Mr. [Smith] had no such allergies. His stomach contained several shrimp, and there is evidence of the presence of shrimp residue in his mouth and on his hands. Unlike Mrs. [Smith], Mr. [Smith] had several times the acceptable dose of epinephrine in his system, leading to a sudden cardiovascular arrest. This clear misuse seems intentional and pre-meditated, but it cannot be determined whether this was a suicide or misadventure. 

This coroner declares that Mr. and Mrs. [Smith] of [Redacted] Hyacinth Avenue became deceased due to accidental sexual misadventure together some time between Friday 16 and Sunday 18 June. No foul play is suspected, and the bodies will be released to the [Redacted] Funeral Home for cremation, as noted in their Wills filed with [Redacted] Law Firm.

💉💉💉

Excerpt from the podcast Freaky Fuck-Ups, which first aired on Friday 12 April 2024, hosted by comedians Virginia Softsnark and Linda Gillen.

Virginia: Thanks for joining us for another installment of Freaky Fuck Ups! As always, please be aware that this is not a podcast for kids and today’s story absolutely contains upsetting details of a sexual nature, so listener discretion is advised.  

Linda: Oooh boy, does Virginia have a gross one for us today! 

Virginia: Yeah, I’ll never look at shrimp cocktail the same again. 

Linda: I thought that horseradish sauce was bad enough, but these two make me never want to smell seafood ever again. 

Virginia: Exactly! And I thought my dust allergy was bad. 

Linda: Listeners, for those of you who don’t know, today we’re covering the deaths and aftermaths of [Mr. and Mrs. Smith] after they apparently both died doing – 

Virginia: Don’t ruin my story!

Linda: – shit, okay haha. Well, take it away! 

Virginia: So, some of you might have guessed, we’re doing the ____ deaths. So, a couple, Mr. and Mrs. [Smith], was found in their home on the 300-block of Hyacinth Boulevard on the afternoon of Thursday 25 June 2022 when an officer from the [Redacted] County law enforcement office entered their home to perform a wellness check. Apparently Mrs. [Smith] missed work the preceding week, and plus, no one had seen either of them for a few days. Phone calls unanswered, mail not gotten.

Linda: Typical family-annihilation type stuff. 

Virginia: Right. Inside their home both Mr. and Mrs. [Smith] were found deceased in the master bedroom, but this is where the story gets weird. According to [Redacted] News and a few other sources that I’ll list in the show notes, how they died is really juicy. 

Linda: Buckle up, Freaky Fuckers!

Virginia: The wife had a shellfish allergy that caused her to suffocate from an allergic reaction. She’s found, her own hands on her throat, with – get this – shrimp shoved into her butthole and her vagina. 

Linda: I don’t even let those little weirdos get near my mouth. They’re – 

Virginia: They’re sea bugs! Yeah! 

Linda: Just like lobsters! Just big sea bugs! 

Virginia: That’s not the weirdest thing. The husband – wow I can’t even imagine doing this – the husband would inject himself with the wife’s EpiPen to get sexually aroused, and they would bang like this. And both of them would wait until they came before the wife would get her allergy meds and the husband would – I guess take some downers? Is that how it would work? 

Linda: Yeah something like that. I pricked my thumb on my nephew’s EpiPen once when I was taking him to school and I was buzzing the whole day. And those are expensive! I didn’t even need to think about coffee that day, so I can’t imagine what [Mr. Smith] was doing or how he would… counteract that? 

Virginia: I just don’t get how you could… give someone an allergic reaction just to have sex? Like, I like my whips and chains – 

Linda: I love working with you, you crazy bitch.

Virginia: Thanks, slut – but like, I can’t imagine actually doing something that could land me in a hospital, y’know? 

Linda: Oh I get it, but also… that’s a lot of trust to have in someone.

Virginia: Right! I almost feel bad for [Mrs. Smith]. Okay, so, after the body is discovered, there’s this whole firestorm because there was a dead laptop on the floor that they apparently – 

Linda: Oh, they were freaky-freaks!

Virginia: – were using to broadcast their weird sex! The whole internet history was filled with that. The common theories are that they would fuck on camera while the wife was choking, and then they would both cum, and then would recover. People would watch this! People would jerk off to this! 

Linda: People jerk off to anything, Virginia.

Virginia: But Linda… to people choking? 

Linda: People post photos of themselves stepping on spaghetti. The world is a rich tapestry. 

Virginia: A tapestry that needs a deep steam cleaning. Anyways. There was this deep dive to figure out if anyone had the footage, and one source says that the video was uploaded to a shock site, but I couldn’t find it in ten minutes of Googling, so maybe it’s been taken down. But it really makes you think! What do you think, Linda? 

Linda: I think people are horny, and that if they get off on shrimp stuffing, well… 

Virginia: But if it kills someone? If you die doing it? 

Linda: How is this different from the rock stars who croak after hanging themselves while getting off? 

Virginia: Are you saying this is like auto-whatever asphyxiation? 

Linda: Yeah! Like, it’s not that he forced his wife to stick shrimp in her hoo-hah, and it’s not like she stabbed him with the EpiPen when he didn’t need it. It’s not a murder, and I don’t think this is a double-suicide – 

Virginia: But that’s what the question is, isn’t it? Like, what’s going on online where people are so horny that they’ll fucking die for it? Personally, I think he did it. 

Linda: Did what?

Virginia: Forced it onto her. 

Linda: Explain.

Virginia: No woman wants to die for sex, at least no woman I know of. This is like that weird Japanese porn that makes incel bros shoot up schools; it’s depraved. 

Linda: Girl, don’t bash hentai and those tentacles. …the dildos feel really good. 

Virginia: Ew! You’re a perv! Haha, but like, I don’t mean to be a Puritan… But like, how often have you heard of people using allergies for sex? And how often have we read stories about some man who pressures his wife into things she doesn’t want? It’s weird, Linda! It’s fuckin’ weird! 

Linda: But that’s why we’re covering it! And I read those same sources as you – you know they did cam shows every month, right? 

Virginia: Fuck, I missed that. 

Linda: Yeah, it’s definitely weird. But weird gets us sponsors, and almost two years after their bodies are found, I don’t think this is the last we’ll hear about this. And for everyone who says we make light of people dying – 

Virginia: Yeah it keeps happening, right? I just want a five-star review that isn’t an argument online. 

Linda: We knew what we were getting into making this podcast. I think people want to know how stuff goes wrong. How are we different from, like, the Darwin Awards? Remember those? That was about people dying in dumb ways. Here, we have a conversation about it, and I think, especially with this one, we open the floor to some really interesting, really difficult to discuss work. But, Virginia, I’ve got a question for you: how long do you think it’ll take until someone with a nut allergy jerks off with peanut butter? 

Virginia: Crunchy or smooth? Don’t answer that. Ugh. Okay, let’s take a break, and then I want to hear about your Freaky Fuck Up story of the week. 

Linda: You got it! 

[End transcript excerpt.]

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